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Fish in the Dark

Fish in the Dark

Larry David

Grove Press

New York

Copyright © 2015 by Larry David

Excerpts from My Fair Lady and “I Could Have Danced All Night” are used by permission of the Alan Jay Lerner Testamentary Trust and the Frederick Loewe Foundation, Inc.

Cover design and illustration by BLT Communications, LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Scanning, uploading, and electronic distribution of this book or the facilitation of such without the permission of the publisher is prohibited. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated. Any member of educational institutions wishing to photocopy part or all of the work for classroom use, or anthology, should send inquiries to Grove Atlantic, 154 West 14th Street, New York, NY 10011 or [email protected].

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Fish in the Dark is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and all British Commonwealth countries, and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, the Pan-American Copyright Convention, and the Universal Copyright Convention. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Stock and amateur applications for permission to perform Fish in the Dark must be made in advance to William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, LLC, Attn: John Buzzetti (1325 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10019, telephone: 212-586-5100) and by paying the requisite fee, whether the plays are presented for charity or gain and whether or not admission is charged. First Class and professional applications must be made in advance to William Morris Endeavor Entertainment, LLC, Attn: John Buzzetti (1325 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10019, telephone: 212-586-5100) and by paying the requisite fee.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 978-0-8021-2440-1

eISBN 978-0-8021-9128-1

Grove Press

an imprint of Grove Atlantic

154 West 14th Street

New York, NY 10011

Distributed by Publishers Group West

groveatlantic.com

PRODUCTION CREDITS

Fish in the Dark received its world premiere at the Cort Theatre on Broadway, with previews beginning on February 2 and opening on March 5, 2015. The production was directed by Anna D. Shapiro. Todd Rosenthal, Scenic Design; Ann Roth, Costume Design; Brian MacDevitt, Lighting Design; Rob Milburn and Michael Bodeen, Sound Design; Alan D’Angerio, Wig Design; Caparelliotis Casting, Casting; Rolt Smith, Production Stage Manager; Penelope Daulton, Company Manager; Aurora Productions, Production Management; Philip Rinaldi, Press Representative; Van Dyke Parks, Original Music. Fish in the Dark was originally produced on the stage by Scott Rudin, Lloyd Braun, Eli Bush, Roger Berlind, William Berlind, Roy Furman, Jon B. Platt, Ruth Hendel, the Shubert Organization, Catherine and Fred Adler, Jay Alix and Una Jackman, Scott M. Delman, Jean Doumanian, Sonia Friedman, Tulchin Bartner Productions, Heni Koenigsberg, Daryl Roth, True Love Productions. Executive Producers: Joey Parnes, Sue Wagner, John Johnson. The cast was as follows:

NormanLarry David

BrendaRita Wilson

ArthurBen Shenkman

MichelleJenn Lyon

Doctor StilesRichard Topol

GloriaJayne Houdyshell

FabianaRosie Perez

NatalieMolly Ranson

GregJonny Orsini

RoseMarylouise Burke

HarryKenneth Tigar

StewieLewis J. Stadlen

SidneyJerry Adler

NurseMaria Elena Ramirez

Jay LeventhalJeff Still

JessicaRachel Resheff

DiegoJake Cannavale

Doctor MeyersJoel Rooks

CHARACTERS

NORMAN DREXEL

Early to mid-50s, average in every respect except for his hyperactive libido.

BRENDA DREXEL

A few years younger than Norman; honest, cheery, and optimistic, all qualities sorely lacking in her husband.

ARTHUR DREXEL

Norman’s brother, two years younger than him; much wealthier, better-looking, and divorced.

MICHELLE

A voluptuous, full-of-life blonde who is dating Arthur and works as a notary for their father’s lawyer.

DOCTOR STILES

A doctor at the hospital where Sidney is staying.

GLORIA

Mother of Norman and Arthur, early to mid-70s, bad wig and all.

FABIANA

Puerto Rican housekeeper at Norman and Brenda’s house, early 40s.

NATALIE

Norman and Brenda’s daughter, early 20s.

GREG

Natalie’s goofy boyfriend.

ROSE

Sidney’s sister.

HARRY

Rose’s husband.

STEWIE

Sidney’s blustery, bull-in-a-china-shop younger brother.

SIDNEY

Norman and Arthur’s father, now dying in hospital.

NURSE

A nurse at the hospital.

JAY LEVENTHAL

Lawyer and estate planner to Sidney, and employer of Michelle, in his mid-50s.

JESSICA

Arthur’s precocious fourteen-year-old daughter.

DIEGO

Fabiana’s son, young and handsome.

DOCTOR MEYERS

Gloria’s doctor at the hospital.

Fish in the Dark

ACT ONE

Scene 1

We open on a darkened stage. It’s the middle of the night and a couple, NORMAN and BRENDA DREXEL, are fast asleep.

Norman, early to mid-50s, average in every respect, except for his hyperactive libido, which, due to the exigencies of marriage, is hardly a blessing. Brenda is a few years younger than Norman. She’s honest, cheery, and optimistic, all qualities sorely lacking in her husband.

After a few beats, the ringing of a phone breaks the silence.

The scene is played in the dark with voiceovers.

NORMAN (bolting awake) Oh my God! Who’s dead?!

BRENDA Answer it, Norman.

NORMAN Someone died! Someone’s dead!

BRENDA Pick up the phone.

NORMAN Someone’s dead. I know it. (picks up the phone) . . . Hello? . . . What’s wrong? Uh-huh . . . uh-huh . . . Should I come now? Oh . . . Okay, then I’ll see you in the morning. Okay, bye. (he hangs up) That was Arthur. They took my father to the hospital. Same issue with the breathing. I have a feeling this might be it. I’ll go first thing in the morning.

BRENDA Are you okay?

NORMAN I don’t understand.

BRENDA . . . Well he’s old and sick. We knew this was coming.

NORMAN I mean, if we can’t go until the morning, why did Arthur wake us? How does waking us at three am do anything?

BRENDA It doesn’t. It’s all
about, “If I’m up, you’re up”.

NORMAN Yeah, of course. Well, I’ll tell you this. There’s no way I can get back to bed now.

BRENDA What do you want to do?

NORMAN Well this is going to sound like a joke, but usually in circumstances like these, there’s really only one thing that gets me back to bed.

BRENDA Really?

NORMAN Absolutely. It completely changes the sleep dynamic.

BRENDA You can still do that, even with what happened to your father?

NORMAN Especially so.

BRENDA . . . So would you prefer I leave the room or should I just turn around?

NORMAN (deflated) . . . You can just turn around.

BRENDA Enjoy.

Blackout

Scene 2

The lights come up on a hospital visitors’ lounge. There’s a vinyl couch CS, with two brightly colored plastic chairs on either side. DL are a candy and coffee machine. Two sets of elevators are UC.

Norman exits his father SIDNEY’s room, DR, and approaches Brenda, who’s sitting on the couch, checking her cell.

NORMAN No change. Still sleeping.

BRENDA Natalie’s on her way. She’s coming from her My Fair Lady rehearsal. How are you doing? Can I get you anything?

NORMAN You know what I just realized? Except for when I was born, I have never spent a night in the hospital in my life. I’m Superman.

BRENDA If I were you, I’d knock on wood.

NORMAN (looking around) Oh my God, there’s no wood. That’s not wood. That’s fake wood.

BRENDA (points to end table) That’s wood.

NORMAN That’s not wood. That’s fake wood. It’s faux wood! This is all faux!

BRENDA You can knock on faux wood.

NORMAN Ah, you don’t know what the faux you’re talking about.

The elevator doors open, revealing Norman’s brother, ARTHUR DREXEL. He’s two years younger than Norman, much wealthier, better-looking, and enjoying the divorced life. The shirt, however, is not coming off his back for anyone. Arthur is accompanied by MICHELLE, a voluptuous, full-of-life blonde. Arthur hugs Brenda.

ARTHUR Hey! This is Michelle. Michelle, this is my brother’s wife, Brenda—

BRENDA —Your sister-in-law.

ARTHUR Right. And this is my brother, Norman.

Norman gives a nod of approval to Arthur regarding Michelle.

MICHELLE Hello. Sorry about your dad.

NORMAN Thanks, but you know what? In a way it’s a relief. He’s been suffering for a while.

MICHELLE I get that.

NORMAN Wait a second! You work with Jay Leventhal. You’re the notary, right?

MICHELLE Right.

NORMAN Sure, I met you a few years ago. I was up in the office.

MICHELLE I remember.

NORMAN You remember! She remembers!

Brenda claps sarcastically.

ARTHUR Have you seen Dad?

NORMAN Just briefly.

ARTHUR Where’s Mom?

NORMAN She went to get some food.

ARTHUR How’s she doing?

NORMAN Well she hasn’t been rendered mute, if that’s what you’re asking.

BRENDA It would have to be a catastrophe of biblical proportions for that to happen.

ARTHUR (to Michelle) Pick a date. Any date in the last forty years.

BRENDA Seriously?

ARTHUR (ignoring, to Michelle) Name one.

MICHELLE (confused) Um . . . November 25, 1997.

BRENDA It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I opened the door for the paper, but it hadn’t been delivered. Then I had a sesame seed bagel. I dunked it in my coffee, which Norman didn’t like at all.

NORMAN You don’t dunk bagels. Who dunks bagels? Goyim.

BRENDA Then my cousin called. I tried handing Norman the phone so he could wish her a happy Thanksgiving, but he refused to take it. (unflattering imitation of Norman) “No! No! No! I can’t!”

NORMAN Oh, wow, what a great impression. You really got me down.

MICHELLE (in awe, to Brenda) . . . How do you know that?

ARTHUR She can remember where she was and what she did every day since she was five. Only thirteen people in the world can do it.

MICHELLE That’s incredible.

NORMAN I don’t like being handed phones. Lotta pressure for me.

ARTHUR (to Michelle) Yes, they’re an interesting couple, these two. The idiot and the savant.

NORMAN (to Arthur, gesturing to Sidney’s room) You want to go in to see your father maybe? Just a suggestion.

Norman waits for Arthur and Michelle to enter Sidney’s room, then:

She’s going in? What the hell is that? He brings a date to the hospital? His father’s dying and he brings a date?

BRENDA Maybe she’s not a date. Maybe she’s a girlfriend.

NORMAN She’s not a girlfriend. I spoke to him last week. He didn’t mention anything about a girlfriend. I’m not even sure if a girlfriend is appropriate here.

BRENDA I wish I could’ve seen you guys together when you were kids.

NORMAN Oh, it was much worse. I used to pin him down and drool until it was an inch from his face, then suck it back up.

BRENDA (wincing) Eww . . .

NORMAN Yeah, it was pretty disgusting. I think he’s still getting even.

ARTHUR (interrupting) He’s tired, said he wasn’t up for talking.

BRENDA Where’s Michelle?

ARTHUR She’s using the bathroom. She wants to take her contacts out.

BRENDA Anybody care for real coffee? I’m going out.

NORMAN No thanks.

Brenda exits.

So how long have you been seeing her?

ARTHUR This is our fourth date.

NORMAN So this is a date?

ARTHUR Well it’s the fourth time we’re getting together. Technically, the first ten times you see a new woman, it’s a date. So yeah.

NORMAN This is wildly inappropriate. I hate to inform you, but the deathbed is not the place to meet new people. It’s not a mixer. Why is she here?

DOCTOR STILES enters.

DR. STILES (to Norman) Is this your brother?

NORMAN Yes. Arthur, this is Dr. Stiles.

ARTHUR (to Norman) Do I really have to explain it? I didn’t know what time I’d be getting out of here—

NORMAN I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ARTHUR . . . It’s just more convenient. Logistics.

To Dr. Stiles.

Dr. Stiles, pleasure. So what’s going on? What is it, the carbon dioxide?

DR. STILES Exactly. He’s only using five percent of his lung capacity and, as a result, there’s an accumulation of CO2 because his lungs can’t get rid of it. To be absolutely truthful, I’m sorry, but I don’t expect him to last more than a day or two . . . unless . . .

ARTHUR What?

DR. STILES Unless we put him on a ventilator.

ARTHUR A ventilator?

DR. STILES It would keep him alive, but he could never recover.

NORMAN Problem is, he never made any provisions for a ventilator. Someone would have to ask him.

Awkward pause. He turns to Dr. Stiles.

. . . So what do you think?

DR. STILES About what?

NORMAN You know . . . asking him.

DR. STILES About the ventilator?

NORMAN Yeah.

DR. STILES Well, you’re his son. You should do it.

NORMAN You’re a doctor. Kind of your job.

DR. STILES Yeah, maybe if you two weren’t here.

ARTHUR We’ll go get a bite.

NORMAN We’ll bring you back a little something.

ARTHUR What do you like? />
NORMAN We’ll go get a bite . . . You’ll have your ventilator talk. We’ll come back with a delicious lunch.

DR. STILES I think not.

ARTHUR Okay, so what happens if nobody asks him?

DR. STILES Then we put him on one and keep him alive . . . Let me know what you decide. Nice to meet you. (he exits)

ARTHUR You believe that?

NORMAN What kind of doctor is this? It’s way easier for him to ask. He must have a lot of ventilator talks. We’ve had no ventilator talks.

ARTHUR I know. We have no ventilator experience.

NORMAN Zero! We have zero ventilator experience! So . . . I guess we should flip a coin for who asks.

ARTHUR No. I can’t do it. Sorry, Norman. I cannot go in there and ask Dad that. Please.

NORMAN You think I want to? I can’t ask him. The fair way is to flip.

ARTHUR Yes, I realize that would be the fair way.

NORMAN So you’d rather let your father languish on a ventilator than ask him?

ARTHUR Yes, I would.

NORMAN So I have to do it?

ARTHUR He should’ve had this all worked out ahead of time.

NORMAN I know. Like what about the body? I guess we need a mortician.

ARTHUR Where do we get that?

NORMAN Google? Yelp? I don’t know.

ARTHUR How much is a casket?

NORMAN A thousand, two thousand?

ARTHUR I’ll tell you right now, I’m not spending more than five hundred on a casket. Who cares what he’s buried in? It’s not a house. He’s not living there.

NORMAN I don’t want my father buried in some shithole.

ARTHUR Why? He doesn’t know where he is.

NORMAN Okay, this is a ridiculous argument.

ARTHUR Why should anyone care where they’re buried? You could throw me in a garbage dump. Doesn’t matter. I’m dead.

NORMAN Okay, so if you die before me, I can throw you in a garbage dump?

ARTHUR Absolutely. Right in the dumpster.

NORMAN Oh I cannot wait for your funeral! That is going to be fun. We’ll all drive to the garbage dump.

ARTHUR You know what? I have a better idea. Maybe we should cremate him. We’ll all save a ton of money. A cremation costs nothing.

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